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Warriors Ten: FF7 by ic "dear lord i need to do something else between my waking and sleeping hours than play this game" arus In the middle of a dark dark room is a TV. A chord running from the TV snakes down onto the floor and attaches to what looks for all the world like an old playstation, but you can never be sure. THe power button clicks on.
TV: Question mark? Somebody reaches out of the darkness and flips over the PS. Gleefully, it begins to spin. Grandness.
TV: Dowaaaaa FWOOOSH tinkle.
W-10 Computer Entertainment UpsateNY presents A eerie tingley music starts up as the credits slowly drift by on a sort of brownish background in funky text. CAST Our story begins one ugly ass day in Midgar, because all days are ugly there. A train pulls up at the station, several guards run up to it aggressively but are quickly thrown around by those who jump out.
Misuka: SAY MY NAME, BITCH! Two Myches and a very irate Ranec with a gun perminantly attached to her arm look around for about two seconds before running off. Behind them off the train steps a very stoic...
Grey: I refuse to wear this. Grey doesn't like the Soldier outfit because too much of his skin is exposed and the entire world can see his scars. Angst angst angst. He glares at Misuka like it could actually do something to her, which it can't. Across his back is the Biggest Assest Sword EVAR. It's like chachacha! An PURPLE!
Grey: This is not Castlevania. Exactly. After four years, you seem to have finally learned. In a sudden burst of compliance, Grey takes down his giant sword and begins to confront some soldiers that're jumping them! Grey: It's easier to do this. A giant blast of light shoots from Grey's hands and the soldiers disintigrate. Damnit, you suck. Arg. Misuka is busy reading directly from her script.
Misuka: Blah blah Marlene yadda yadda hate Shinra blah...BLOW UP THE ENTIRE TOWN? No! It's too soon!
Misuka: It's never too soon for explosives and mass death. The entire town explodes, without any clear reason. God damnit Misuka, you went and rushed it. Now there's no excuse. Grey: Not that you could remember what happened anyway. You know what? Shut up. Grey shuts up for once in his life and goes with Misuka to a snazy ass bar that they got going in a town that isn't full of explosions next door.
Grey: ... The Nikitak bats his lashes in an uber-femmy fashion. Grey who thoughtfully picked up flowers before they exploded the town, does indeed have...a daisy! Haw. no symbolism there!
Grey: I don't have any flowers. ...that's not nice at all. Oh well. Anyway, Jino comes running in, a newspaper in his mouth. He spits it on the table and nobody says anything about it because this is completely normal. He spreads the pages and points.
Jino: It looks like President Lindor has just said everything we did was a complete accident and is going to come after us as we sleep.
Darkfool is busy putting on a sports bra and shoving mellons into it. WHAT THE?!
Darkfool: Oi can be hetero too! See! ^_^ Misuka grabs a bottle of plum sake and drains it. She then grabs Jino by his tail and runs right out the door. Faaaantastic. We might even finish the first disk, if this keeps up. Darkfool, with mellons in bra, siddles up to Grey.
Darkfool: Do Oi look fat with this shirt? Grey looks like he's trying to turn chipmunks in china to stone with the power of his mind. Little does he know, there are no chipmunks in china. Darkfool is still poking him about flowers and stuff, to which Grey reacts in a perfectly Cloud-like manner.
Darkfool: When Oi was a little girl and you left our town, you said you'd come back and rescue meeeee... Darkfool jumps up on his last set of legs and sticks his chest way out in the air. Scathing satire! oooo!
Grey: I'm leaving now for no valid reason. A four year old who can fix drinks, apparently. NO SERIOUSLY! watch Marlene's sprite sometime! She's making martinis and margaritas, i'm tellin ya. Anyway, they leave the bar behind. Darkfool tries to follow Grey, but he runs far far away like a good little angsty demon and falls through a roof. Grey: How did I get on the roof in the first place? -_- He falls down through the roof, kind of like a flatline stickfigure with that face of his. FLAT! Because he knows he won't feel it whatever he hits at the bottom, be it broken glass or NAILBATS! Whump! He lands in flowers.
Grey: This flower thing is out of hand. I like dafodils.
Grey: -________-+ Wow, Solla makes a mean Aeris. Grey looks up from where he's lying in a pile of poseys (ehehe) and beholds Solla, who is dressed in pink verymuch against her will and brandishing...uhm...
Solla: It is a length of PVC pipe, which I will be swinging upside your demonic head unless you remove yourself from my flowers.
There's a sickening cracking sound and Grey goes flying across the room, complete with a spray of blood. Wow, i think thats the first time in w-10 chatfic history that someone's injured Grey. Scary.
Solla: And it ends here. Grey's glowing again, somebody's gonna die! Solla leaves her flowers behind, carrying her blood-drenched pipe and starts heading for home. Grey, wiping a rather thick stream of blood from his forehead, begins to storm after her. I have never seen Grey so very irate. Perhaps this is because Solla smacked the snot out of him and left. GREY HAS PRIDE? Whoa. Grey: I don't have pride, and I don't care. Then why are you following her? Grey: Because I hate her as much as she hates me. Ahh, and so the love triangle begins. Grey follows Solla but for the sake of not taking a million years, she detours. See, she KNEW he was following and wanted a final showdown, so she took him to a playground. It's play! DEADLY PLAY MUAHAHAHAHAHA
Grey: Shut up. A pimpmobile shoots out of the wall behind the playground and nearly runs Grey and Solla over, Jester at its wheel. In the back seat is Jet, dressed in a giant long coat with a thick furr collar and a huge sparkly pimp hat with his arm suavely around his new ho, Darkfool.
Solla:...Well, it appears that in order for THIS to go anywhere, we have to rescue him. Darkfool, I thought you wanted Grey to be your main squeeze of nacho cheese?
Darkfool: OI! You're roight! DARKOIYES, HELP ME! SOB WEEP SNIFFLE!! The pimpmobile beeps its horn, which plays the battle music theme, and drives away at full pimpin speed, even doing that funky bounce thing some pimp cars do. Solla and Grey temporarily set aside their differences because ... Grey: ...Dear god no. MY FAVOURITE PART OF DISK ONE, KIDDIES!
Solla: Grey, you need to dress like a ho to rescue Darkfool, who I have just met but have irrational desire to help. You can't refuse, it's part of the game! That's the best part! YOU CAN'T AVOID CROSSDRESSING IN FINAL FANTASY SEVEN!! Grey begins TRANSVESTITE SIDE QUEST! cheesy music plays.
Grey: This is horriable. e_e Solla enjoys seeing Grey in discomfort, just as I enjoy seeing him in drag! After several agonizing minutes of running around town aquiring fishnet stockings, a tight fitting maid suit, having his hair washed and styled, a pair of lace panties and a spurt of flowery smelling purfume, Grey is ready!
Grey: ENOUGH with the flowers! Far in the distance, there's a waaaark. Actually, Grey doesn't look like a woman at all. He looks like a sexy scarred boy in woman's clothing. Tehehehehee. ANYWAY. Solla dresses like a pimp, complete with cane that has a pretty red materia on the end and about sixty rings, one of which says MICHA in big letters. Big as in covering her whole hand.
Solla: Ahem...yo yo yo, mother fuckers. Homey S be down in the hood. AND AWAAAAAAY WE GO! Solla has her pimp walk down and escorts Grey, albiet unwillingly, to the casa del Jet. It's got a big neon sign on it and a bunch of men wearing thongs out front. One grabs onto Grey.
Mukki: Daddy's so lonely... Mukki flies off to Costa Del Sol. Or maybe it's Icicle Inn. I HONESTLY CAN'T REMEMBER! Jester opens the door wearing a suave suit.
Jester: Hey, what be goin down out here on da stoop or something? Solla pushes Grey inside, who honestly has given up resisting at this point and just sort of wiggles along like he's cut out of paper or something. With squiggly arms. Woooo
Grey: I hate my life. Jet drops from the ceiling and starts humping Grey. Nope, no chance of disgarding his disguise and maintaining his masculinity at all. While Jet is busy mercilessly humping Grey, Solla saunters inside and picks up Darkfool by...uhm.
Darkfool: Oi think red's a fantastic colour for a bra! ^_^ Even when I swap genders, I still manage to think the only pairing that works with the girls of FF7 is between the two of them. Oi...
Solla: We are leaving the city now for no clear purpose. Misuka points to another train that she just got off of. Speaking of getting off, Grey drags himself into the midst of their company, looking very irate. In fact, he has so many little veiny things all over his head that you'd think they were breeding or cooties or something.
Grey: ... Misuka giggles in a strange manner and looks far too bright eyed and innocent for her own good. Misuka, you pushed them, didn't you?
Misuka: ^-^ Lindor launches a smoke grenade at everyone from a pickup truck and grabs Solla by her wings, dragging her in and draping a net over her. I couldn't affourd to rent a helicopter.
Grey: ...That makes the female character rescue count even. Misuka begins walking away with a great big grin. GET BACK HERE. You're going to rescue her. A collective whine goes up. All: Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy >_> Everyone is utterly ignored. Instead, they begin preperations to break into Shinra headquarters where Lindor took Solla. Solla is utterly powerless when you drape a net over her. They begin by climbing a bazillion stairs.
Misuka: Fucking...STAIRS... Misuka leaps onto Grey's shoulders, who promptly falls over.
Grey: Damnit! Darkfool leaps on Grey too! He now is carrying the two of them up the stairs. It's a good thing Grey's so stoic too, because both of them are petting his chest and looking down his maid outfit. YES HE IS STILL IN IT MAHHAAHA.
Misuka: On second thought, I'll walk behind. Eventually after about an hour of climbing stairs, they reach a laboratory where a peculiar looking person is poking about. Ps! It's Aslilin, hunched over with a lab coat thrown over her armor. She doesn't hunch very well, but she's making due. In a tank nearby lies Mire, in a sadly stitched together set of red pajamas.
Aslilin: My precious specimin... Aslilin presses a button and Mire is lifted up into the ceiling. She saunters casually up a set of stairs after him. Everyone runs in from their obvious point in the door way and pokes around. Grey goes and looks into a glowy portal by the wall and screams in horror! Gasp!
Grey: AEROI#I$UJGLKDPTLH! Is it...PICKLED? Misuka: I dunno. Sure. Kyotoshi has sex with it. Darkfool: WHOT? ^_^;;;; IT'LL BE IMPORTANT LATER! I swear to god. Misuka pokes Grey until he stops spasming on the floor.
Misuka: Aren't we supposed to be resucing that bitch of a lizard? They all run up the stairs after Aslilin. Continuity sucks! Break FREE! Grey: ...Just...shut up. At the top of the stairs they meet up with Aslilin who now has Solla and Mire in a fishtank together and is gradually filling it with water. This causes Mire to freak out because hes a pyromaniac and start going crazy.
Grey: That's cruel. Misuka opens the tank and water spills over Aslilin, who sort of folds up and washes away. It wasn't the real Aslilin, just a cardboard cut out. I swear to god, I think she went on lunch break. But we're doing this all in one take! no stops! REAL TIME! like that god aweful movie Russian Ark. Never go to see that. You spend hours looking down this long hall filled with russians knowing its too crowded to push to the exit thinking DEAR LORD I HAVE TO WAIT THROUGH THAT and-
Solla: AUTHOR. Sorry.
Misuka: How you feelin, little pyro'y dude? Somewhere, somehow, a drumset gets a slight beating.
Misuka: Well, since we ain't gettin nowhere as a group, let's split up. Suddenly, everyone realizes that Mire's tail is not in fact his tail, but a stick of dynamite that someone taped to his tail. Mire explodes. Because there's too many characters in FF7. KABOOM! Im freeeeee
Grey: Damn you. Solla is quite content with this desicion and so is Darkfool, so they set off to leave the building. They begin to go down the multitude of steps leaving Solla behind when suddenly...
Robot: I ATTAAAAAAACK! BOSS BATTLE! duddudaa dudududaaa dududdaaaa pshewwwwwwwwww ding! Summon...what? I CANT SUMMON YET? BWARG!! Attack! Misuka shoots the robot, but robots do not feel pain and so it just sort of stands there. Darkfool runs up and pummels it mercilessly with his four paws, but to seemingly no avail. Grey takes down his sword and-
Grey: No. The robot has cause-ed Grey to limit break! Use...SUPER ANGST!
Grey: Angst angst angst angst. e_e doodeedee doo dee dee dodedoooo! Everyone goes up a level! Just then, Solla comes flapping up.
Solla: You had better all come take a look at this. Solla smacks Misuka over the head with her PVC pipe and points up the stairs where a little waterfall of blood is trickling down after them. Watch out for the evil demon scooter children!
Solla: President Lindor is dead. No, no it isn't.
Darkfool: Let's investigate! ^_^ And so everyone runs up to the president's chambery thing and finds her slumped over her desk with a hole through her back. There's a note taped there that says 'with love, Sephiroth.' Grey: ...No. Eh? Grey: It should say the play-actor's name. But it doesn't. Misuka: Then how the hell are we gonna find out who it is?! Misuka is throwing a hissy fit and stomping all over, banging her gun arm on things. See, told ya she made a good Barret. hehe barret wallcheese. AUGH DOORBELL!
Grey: ...Doorbell? Wow, that was spooky. Soooo everybody, what're ya gonna dooooo?
Aslilin: Sephiroth went over the mountains. Asil you really ought to stop popping up like that. But she's right! Over the mountain and through the wood, to Sephiroth's house we go. Or anyway, you all will!
Misuka: Then let's get the hell outta this city! They all leave Midgar behind them, with bloody footprints. Splishy splish. They wander out of town all the way up to a big ugly bog.
Solla: The Midgar Hohum lies this way. If we step foot inside the marshes, it will attack us. Misuka shoves Grey violently forward, who was kind of just standing there. See, he has to go first, cause he's the leader of their party. Anyway they all step into the bog and no sooner do they get about halfway than a looming arrow headed shape is upon them! RANDOM BATTLE! though not so random, cause you saw it coming.
Hohum: Hiss grr and such. Your entire party has been whiped out! Game over. Ashido's multicoloured claw reaches out of the darkness of space and hits the reset button, loading from last savepoint, which due to the entirely ficticious nature of this world, is not an hour and a half back in game time but rather directly before they entered the marshes.
Misuka: Okay, let's NOT bring it on. Grey is pointing to a small cheery farm bordering the horriable deadly marsh. Love how people consider this kind of thing. Anyway, in they go. And there they find...
Jino: Chocobo Jino at your service! Misuka points her gun arm in the Myche's face.
Misuka: TELL ME THAT AGAIN, BITCH. Nobody pays attention to Grey. Jino gulps nervously and backs away, bumping into a stable.
Jino: B-b-but perhaps Jino could sell you some bait to catch one! The transaction is rapidly completed, and the three remaining adventurers set off for the chocobo tracks near the farm with a mysterious package, containing bait. They run back and forth on the tracks until a battle with wipe out music hits. Found a chocobo!
Grey: ...Dear god no. Misuka throws the package into the field where the strange looking chocobo is, and it bursts open, spraying panty hose in all directions.
Darkfool: WARK! PANTY'OOOOOOOOOSE! The very gleeful Darkfool-dressed-in-a-chocobo-outfit grabs up the panty hose and begins capering about in them. Horray, you caught a chocobo! Now don't forget, once you get off of him, he'll run away. So until you get over the marshes, everyone has to hold on tight! Tehehe Grey looks very angry riding on Darkfool's back. Or maybe it's because he's still in the maid outfit. Tehehee.
Grey: I hate you, and everything you stand for. With Darkfool's aid, they cross the marshes and ignore the Hohum and make it all the way over the mountain because you know what? I'm not in the mood to write about dungeons. They find themselves now by a giant tower. I hate fort condor, so it spontaniously explodes, sending little condor bits everywhere. It's raining materia! Summon materia actually. There, isn't that a better way to get the pheonix summon?
Misuka: Damn straight it is! Despite his best efforts, even after everyone dismounted the chocobo, it is still following them. By them of course I mean Grey. Maybe it thinks he's a chocobo and wants to have babies! That happened to Cloud in a doujinshi once. It's the hair, I tells ya.
Misuka: My angry ass gun arm intuition tells me that Sephiroth will be going to ...That place over there! None the less, since they really haven't got anything better to go on, everyone follows Misuka's suggestion and they head towards Junon. With mad sneakin skillz they soon find the new president of Shinra is being recieved. President ...uhm. JET! Jet: Hey hey, your pimpin president has arrived! The turks run by for no reason, because I have the feeling people will complain if they're not in this. So there they go, turking along. Turks: Turk turk turk. See? Anyway, back to our loveable adventurers.
Solla: It looks as though he knows about Sephiroth too. But Grey is ignored once again as everyone lunges off ahead of him. Even Darkfool. Grey is left with two choices. Grey: I choose not to go. I didn't say those were your choices. Grey: e_e Then what are they. Save, or don't save XD;;; Grey: Jesus christ. Look on the upside, you get to get out of that french maid outfit. And into a sailor suit! You're in the naaaaavyyy! Where you can sail the seven seas! In the naaavyyy where you can fuck all the men you please! Grey: ENOUGH. Grey shoots evil looks at the sky but the lasers bounce off making sounds like 'dodeedeedoodoo' like old morse code or something. Ehehe. He changes into a sailor suit behind some boxes and runs after everyone else onto the ship. It closes up behind him and soon they're out to the high seas!
Grey: This is so stupid. Grey goes off into a corner of the ship and will sit there foreeeeveeer angrily. At least he would, except at that exact moment, the plot choses to advance!
Sailors: Intruder!! Strange character has been seen! Get him! Sephiroth. It must be SEPHIROTH. Everyone runs towards where the warning sounded from and encounters yet another blood bath! Misuka splashes gleefully and rubs herself in it.
Misuka: Lalala! Nothing like fresh blood on yer skin in the morning, eh buckos? Out of the floor behind Misuka, a strange shape begins to rise... Darkfool: OI! MISUKA! LOOK OUT! IT'S-! BOSS BATTLE! JENOVA MUSIC! deedodeedodeedodee dedoodedoodedoodee...dundundudundundundun
Jenova: I WILL DESTROY YOOO AND EVERYONE ON YOUR SHIP! Misuka fires off a volley at Jenova, who seems to take it in much less stride than the robot did. Solla launches herself into the air and comes down in the aproximate head-ish-area of Jenova with her PVC pipe, making a resounding and somewhat sickly THUNK sound. Grey, whom I have long since given up on using his sword, launches off a volley of energy from his hands. Thus fall Jenova. She's such an easy boss.
Misuka: If she doesn't get off aqualung, anyway. Doodeedee doo dee do doot de dooo!
Grey: ...This is retarded. Hey, it's not MY fault. He was there. You just missed him. Oh, look, Grey's tripping out again! Grey: AUghadfplalaaa Grey rolls around on the deck holding his head. Haw haw. Everyone gets distracted from my shoddy story telling and drags him topside for some air. But no sooner do they do so than the ship arrives in sunny, warm, california-like...COSTA DEL SOL! Everyone piles off the boat.
Darkfool: Oi! Sun! Sand! Men in thongs! Oi loik it here! Solla and Grey get dragged off towards the beach by Darkfool and Misuka, where they bump into...
Aslilin: La tee da. Aslilin suddenly gets avoidant and starts mumbling. Aslilin: Mumble mumble head west. I love that line. hehehe.
Misuka: That's so fucking lame! We're just randomly told to head WEST? There's not even a BATTLE HERE? No PLOT POINT? NOTHING?
Anyway, as vauge and random as Hoj...Aslilin's instructions were, everyone begins to head west over the mountains. It is a long and perilous journey...Actually it's a cakewalk compared to climbing up the Shinra headquarters, because most of the enemies just keep trying to cast petrify and the battles end before it even takes effect. But in any case, everyone crosses the mountains and find themselves in...Misuka's home town of Corel!
People: Hey everyone look, it's the traitor. Misuka begins weaving a tail of woe and sorrow, one that is deep and painful to hear, that brings a tear to the eye and a tremble to even the strongest of lips!
Misuka: So ya see, I sold them all out so I could pay for the opperation to have this gun grafted onto my arm, thus making me twenty times cooler. As a result, Shinra burned their rebellious little town to the ground! ^_^
And with that, she takes off in violent pursuit of several of the survivors, the rattle of gunfire easily heard a mile away.
Solla: Come on. Let us get on to the Gold Saucer. Despite his arguing, Grey is dragged along to the Gold Saucer with them. However, as soon as they get off the tram and pay the exorberant price to get inside, they realize everything is spattered with blood.
Grey: Sephiroth again? e_e Tehehe! that's actually in the game!
Darkfool: Boy, Misuka sure does move fast then. o_O
Grey: I refuse to beak into song -_- Men march in going 'heave pant' and pick up the three remaining adventurers, carrying them off. Darkfool just sort of leans there like something out of an herbal essences commercial, Solla struggles violently and Grey just sort of lies stiff like a board. A flatline board. FLAT FLAT. They carry them to a hole in the floor that reads 'gateway to heaven' and throw them in.
Grey: I'm having Wonderland flashbacks. Suddenly everyone hits the ground with a violent thump, and jump up looking around for Misuka. She's run off, so they run after her. There's a big long chase sequence with a repeated background like the old tom and jerry ones when halls have like sixty doorways and tables with a flowerpot on them. You know what I'm talking about. Anyway, they grind to a dead halt in front of some guy with a lot of rings on his hands.
Guy: We're gonna feed you to a sarlaac unless you win at chocobo racing. Then we'll pardon you fully of your crimes.
Everyone gapes at Grey in surprise. WHA? You AGREED? Instead of having to be dragged along?
Grey: I don't mind racing games. Just so long as I don't have to use him. Grey is lifted on a platform to an arena filled with chocobo jockeys. This time he gets a real chocobo, and hops on with ease. I dunno how, seeing as so far as I know Grey has absolutely no experience with riding large animals. Unless there's something you're not telling us, Grey. Grey: Fuck off. Well, that's nice to hear. There's a shot! And they're off! Great chocobo music plays as the birds race all around the track, Kweh-ing and Wark-ing at eachother the entire way. Grey is easily in front the entire time, because hes learned the skill of getting ahead of the pack, finding a good pace to keep at and saving your stamina til you need that last burst of speed towards the end. Grey wins! Instead of hopping on his chocobo like you do in the game, he sort of slumps over and falls off of it limply. Uh. Thanks Grey. Grey: _-_ Scores are in...Grey wins! Everyone goes free! YAAAAY!
Solla: Wait...Is Misuka's story not more complex than that? Should we not have to fight Dyne, or something?
Darkfool holds up a stuffed cat that sorta flops around aimlessly. Uhm.
Darkfool: Stuffed cat has joined our party! Solla and Misuka fall to beating the snot out of eachother while Darkfool flops the cat at Grey, who is still lying on the ground next to the chocobo.
Darkfool: Bongo Myu loiks you! ^_^ Grey, deciding to leave the two fighting femmes behind, takes Darkfool and Bongo Myu with him as he leaves the Gold Saucer, riding a fun lil buggy. a buggabugg. abuggabug. They stop in Gongaga for no good reason. LOOK! THERE IT IS! GONGAGA! They continue on their way and arrive in Nibelheim.
Darkfool: Remember when we were little kids here, Grey? Bongo Myu does! Grey falls to the ground twitching, having a sudden memory of five years ago. I'll spare you the little details and the long description but his town was set on fire and he saw some crazy shit up at the reactor.
Darkfool: Oi, are you okay there matey? They race into the mansion at the back of the town and down a secret flight of steps that Grey saw in his flashback and into a secret library and there they find...
Darkfool: Nobody's here. o_o The note reads, in scratchy script, 'gone on ahead to temple of the ancients, seeking promised land, see you there. - Seph.' Man, you guys really ARE slow. It's been two txt files and you haven't even SEEN seph. sheesh.
Grey: Like this is my fault? Sure 'nuff, Darkfool is hearing someone's fists pounding on what sounds like a wood wall, but there are no wood walls in the secret library, only stone. So he wanders around the hallways until he finds its point of origin and...
Darkfool: Bongo Myu says it's comin from behind this wall! Grey blasts the wall down with one kablooie from his hands. Boy, I wish Cloud coulda done that. Dust and stone fly in all directions, clobbering Darkfool in the face, but since this is a chatfic he doesn't suffer any lasting damage and just gets a big bandaid over where he got hurt. Stepping out of the rubble and coughing is...
Soshika: WHOO! I didn't really think she'd lock me in there. Yes, it's Soshika alright, done up in black with a red cape and bandana, her left arm entirely encased in metal.
Soshika: Yup, tis me. ^_^ Soshika gets all mysterious and sweeps her cape around dramaticly.
Soshika: I can't say. And yuffie, wherever she is, explodes in a violent ball of brilliant white flames. Ahhh, life is good. I wonder if dinner's ready yet? The author presses pause. Game: PAUSED. There we go. We will return after a short break! Okay, now im back. Where are they again? Nibelheim? Uhm. Right. What happens now?
Grey: There's always that note. -_-; Continuity sucks. Cid drops from the ceiling! Cid is really Ashido, which doesn't make any sense at all, because she not only doesn't swear, but she doesn't particularly want to pilot either. But she is still Cid, and that is the way it is. I have a fever, did I mention that?
Raizy: I like pizza. The chu leaves and goes to visit canada. That's probably a result of my listening to south park movie music. No, nobody is going to dance dickless jigs in this fic unless they already lacked a dick to begin with. Grey slaps his forehead.
Grey: Just...Get on with it. Ashido begins doing several complicated steps, which in turn make the entire building fall down around their ears. They are now in rocket town, because while they weren't paying attention, the mansion got up to visit its secret lover, the rocket. It is long and phallic shaped, and don't argue with me because I have origami paper.
Ashido: And that is why I make a good Cid. Ashido dances a dickless jig. I SAID DON'T DO THAT.
Ashido: Mahaha! Stop me! Just try! Everyone dances for fifteen minutes, except for Grey, who looks very pissed off. All the dancing eventually catches onto the town. Oh no! It's like some dance of wildfire! BURNING HEAT! The entire town goes mad with dance, and pushes Ashido's plane into the water. They push it so deeply that a few of them drown, but they're NPCs. Grey COULD have saved them dramaticly, but he's a scrag. Grey: That word doesn't even mean anything. Yes, but it sounds obscene. Soshi, Ashido and Grey are all on top of the plane in the water. Grey is still not dancing, especially because the villiagers of phallic object town are still pushing them out to sea. He pretends to have any idea whatsoever of this mattering, and dips his feet in the water.
Grey: I honestly hate these fics. Truely, I do. JESUS CHRIST WHY DOES THIS GAME HAVE SO MUCH STUFF THAT HAPPENS BEFORE AERIS DIES? Solla suddenly perks up next to the author, in non-playing land. Solla: You plan on killing me off? Uhm...well it's a major plot point in the game for Aeris to die, you know? Solla: It is also a major plot point to meet Sephiroth, to have Aeris like Cloud, and various other things you completely ignored. And you are sticking to this point? But everyone remembers it. It's like one of the deffinitive moments of FF7! Solla: But I am not Aeris. ...I see your point exactly. The author turns back to her current cast who are floating aimlessly around in shallow water, because the plane sucks. Yeah, sure, you can FLY. Like a retarded turtle. Bloody Tiny Bronco. Hey, Grey, how'd you like to advance the plot and skip about half a disk, thus gaining you closer to getting this over with? Grey: If I trusted myself to express joy around you, I would. I'll take that as a yes. The author summons....stupid ho! Aeris drops down. She is actually a cow. A stick figure cow, with hair and a bow. Nahaha. I don't like her. STUPID AERIS MAKING ME DIE AGAINST STUPID DEMON'S GATE my god I'm tired. Turtle.
Ashido: Stop saying Turtle. YES AS A MATTER OF FACT YOU DOOO. HAVE AT HER! Grey rears back one arm, his fingers spread apart, the air between them igniting in a ball of red energy that expands and crackles to be freed. With a rolling movement, much like you would throw a bowling ball, Grey sends it at the cow.
Aeris: MOOOOOO! Grey strikes a victory stance as Aeris pauses a moment, vibrating with the shock of the impact, then goes FLYING off the screen at sixty million miles per hour. The turtle sinks and you see a little tiny cow-aeris in the background getting smaller and smaller. Aeris: Be strong Clouuuuuuuuuuuud- Ting! She's gone with a star speck.
Ashido: SUPER SMASH BROTHERS MELEE! NOT US! :D
Soshi: So it's off to the Temple of the Ancients! And into the sunset sails the Tiny Bronco, as the disk explodes and ends. YOU WILL NEVER REPLAY THIS DISK EVER FOR AS LONG AS YOU LIVE. Please insert Disk 2. [to be continued...] |
