its official - i'm heading down on the 4th of this coming month.
it really could not come soon enough for my poor stepmom. her phone is crashing and failing and running out of data and im just like jesus no wonder youre having panic attacks
i spent the last mmm 18 or so hours? scouring livejournal entries from 2003-2005 for a singular piece of writing on the hopes i had one time shared it. no luck, but it was a fun if slow loading trip down memory lane to things 20 years on. stuff i know ought to bring me like insufferable pain to read but instead i'm distanced from as a person and am like ah well, there were some good times after all.
but also wow there were some bad times lmfao. not only did i learn i was basically picking up my life and moving it around every 3-4 months with no clear idea of where it was going to land, which explains why that's a repeating nightmare even to this day, but some VERY SPECIFIC real traumas happened that i revisit in nightmares and/or family deny happened to this day and im just like damn. daMN. no WONDER i keep dreaming i walked into the mail room at school only to be told you are not a student here anymore oneday for no reason but a clerical error. it -happened-. no WONDER i think my moms a transphobe, shes been gross about it a LONG time theres GOOD REASON i have to mistrust her. no WONDER i feel like the family always blames me but also demands i should fix everything, i was their first suspect when someone else stole a credit card and all i wanted was to leave and draw and make little websites and build a MUD!!! a lot of trauma i guess i just kept on burying, burying, burying, being like nope move forward. nope move forward. another time, move forward.
i mean i guess i dont regret how i got here but it feels very weird to have a bill you made yourself forget come due 20 years on.
there's good reason for crap like that to stay locked tho - edgelord teen language of the 90s doesnt age well and honestly if you arent looking closely for the context of 'displaced and treated like an animal at home, very alone in the world still trying to figure out himself queer' you just see a lot of shouting out friends, moving around, buying shit off ebay and getting overwhelmed when people start asking more of me than i wanna give as i dash from project to project.
some of the projects were fun tho - there was a clique/webring 'powered by mako' that i would totally revive.
and in digging through all this stuff, i also finally found my ff7 fanfiction i'd thought was gone forever!! some of it even passes muster!!
so anyway, my failed search for the piece of writing i did about a nonbinary narrator being attacked by hallucinogenic clams from 2004 is sadly lost media. i cannot say im shocked!! the number of power failures and hard drive failures and just plain unwise things done to my computer (mom made me mail it to school! a tower pc!!!! and i had to pay for it out of pocket so im sure i cheaped on the packing and then it got a huge dent,) its a miracle anything at all i wrote back then survived.
but shockingly, a lot did. and some of it i still kinda like.
so i threw some of em online, might throw some more later, still debating.
if this looks like a busywork project to stop myself from worrying about the fact that in 4 days i'm leaving for alabama and my father who is in very poor health and has yet to consult oncology about chemo. that is because. it is.
in those old entries was seeing my grandfather over 20 years ago begin this similar decline, and how it bothered me then. i survived it then, and he was less a man than my father. i am sure i can survive it again. but i may need to do a lot of bouncing between the north and south east coast and ...well, now i at least know why this makes my stomach knot. it reminds me of an unstable time. a time where people crowded me for attention i didn't want, where i wanted only to create and create and drink through the pain of figuring myself out hoping i'd wake up one day metamorphosed like a bug. fair. but a lot of wasted time. so i can see why i dont like feeling as if i'm sliding back into that survival mindset. even though a survival mindset is what it is.
also back in those lj entries i realized that going viral back then meant you got ...like. 20 interactions or so. and it DID feel OVERWHELMING to get!! because it wouldnt be 20 people you knew!!! some of them might be really mean!! i dont think the numbers games of platforms like the (now embracing AI) bsky or twitter or fb like to play are good for us.
its also i think why i prefer the fediverse. the numerics are about the same, and the sensation of them is the same. and theres really not an advertiser leaning over your shoulder asking for a 9-20% cut
whats also funny to me is that for entries in a journal over 20 years old, some friends are still around. we all trans as hell now lmfao and busy, and tired, and sickly, and poor. but ride or die, babes. womb to tomb, birth to earth.
-so-
i'm just touching up demon sushi before i leave, is what i keep telling myself. just giving it a little facelift before i go. just a little touching up for webrings and the graphics and maybe a little hub for OCs and oh i absolutely must add a No AI disclaimer, and some fun new 88x31 buttons... absurd that furcadia hasnt got one tho let me tell you
renjamin just got her arthritis shot, but is down about half a lb. shes usually around 6, 6.5 lbs and i really worry my prolonged absence will get her sick. it's been decades since we've been apart more than a few days!!!!! luna seems fine, bossy about the return of spring and excited for bird watching and being fed blades of wheat grass. audrey is still a pisspot...tho has fewer accidents if we follow her rules of tidiniess. and as long as i make sure to spend a couple hours reading at her side.
i'm still reading through the cat series by joan d. vinge - just about to pick up dreamfall. catspaw has been super integral to my trashy sad mind in this trying time so i packed it in my luggage. the bag is heavy, and i'm no longer young. my elbow hurts and needs an ace banadage.
but i did swear i'd write ms. vinge a fanletter, now i know i have a line of communication. she's also aging, and i feel its a crime i didnt meet her work before now. and if i waste any more time, i may miss my chance... RIP comic artist and major inspiration Sam Kieth.
well. what ive been round and round and forgot to say is - i wont have a PC in alabama this time. for the first time ever, i think. i have a keyboard, i have my ipad for drawing, and i have a phone. i haven't got a running laptop anymore, having salvaged parts out of em to sell and reuse for many years now. so i won't have access to a lot of things i use to ..make stuff. but i can draw, and i can type.
i think i should still have access to dreamwidth and other websites though - i dont THINK alabama has implimented any laws that shutter out smaller social networks and gallery sites. yet. hahahaha haaaaaa fuk
know what else i noticed? though i used to write a lot of journal entries - sometimes even 3 in a day! - they were usually short. nowhere near as long as i'm going here. i guess that's also age. you sit with your thoughts for a while longer before you get the opportunity to spread them all out and pick through them. take your sweet time, because aint anybody offering you more of it.
i sure do wish i coulda found that silly story about clams, though.
love ya dear reader
hang in there.
commentsblog via dreamwidth
it really could not come soon enough for my poor stepmom. her phone is crashing and failing and running out of data and im just like jesus no wonder youre having panic attacks
i spent the last mmm 18 or so hours? scouring livejournal entries from 2003-2005 for a singular piece of writing on the hopes i had one time shared it. no luck, but it was a fun if slow loading trip down memory lane to things 20 years on. stuff i know ought to bring me like insufferable pain to read but instead i'm distanced from as a person and am like ah well, there were some good times after all.
but also wow there were some bad times lmfao. not only did i learn i was basically picking up my life and moving it around every 3-4 months with no clear idea of where it was going to land, which explains why that's a repeating nightmare even to this day, but some VERY SPECIFIC real traumas happened that i revisit in nightmares and/or family deny happened to this day and im just like damn. daMN. no WONDER i keep dreaming i walked into the mail room at school only to be told you are not a student here anymore oneday for no reason but a clerical error. it -happened-. no WONDER i think my moms a transphobe, shes been gross about it a LONG time theres GOOD REASON i have to mistrust her. no WONDER i feel like the family always blames me but also demands i should fix everything, i was their first suspect when someone else stole a credit card and all i wanted was to leave and draw and make little websites and build a MUD!!! a lot of trauma i guess i just kept on burying, burying, burying, being like nope move forward. nope move forward. another time, move forward.
i mean i guess i dont regret how i got here but it feels very weird to have a bill you made yourself forget come due 20 years on.
there's good reason for crap like that to stay locked tho - edgelord teen language of the 90s doesnt age well and honestly if you arent looking closely for the context of 'displaced and treated like an animal at home, very alone in the world still trying to figure out himself queer' you just see a lot of shouting out friends, moving around, buying shit off ebay and getting overwhelmed when people start asking more of me than i wanna give as i dash from project to project.
some of the projects were fun tho - there was a clique/webring 'powered by mako' that i would totally revive.
and in digging through all this stuff, i also finally found my ff7 fanfiction i'd thought was gone forever!! some of it even passes muster!!
so anyway, my failed search for the piece of writing i did about a nonbinary narrator being attacked by hallucinogenic clams from 2004 is sadly lost media. i cannot say im shocked!! the number of power failures and hard drive failures and just plain unwise things done to my computer (mom made me mail it to school! a tower pc!!!! and i had to pay for it out of pocket so im sure i cheaped on the packing and then it got a huge dent,) its a miracle anything at all i wrote back then survived.
but shockingly, a lot did. and some of it i still kinda like.
so i threw some of em online, might throw some more later, still debating.
if this looks like a busywork project to stop myself from worrying about the fact that in 4 days i'm leaving for alabama and my father who is in very poor health and has yet to consult oncology about chemo. that is because. it is.
in those old entries was seeing my grandfather over 20 years ago begin this similar decline, and how it bothered me then. i survived it then, and he was less a man than my father. i am sure i can survive it again. but i may need to do a lot of bouncing between the north and south east coast and ...well, now i at least know why this makes my stomach knot. it reminds me of an unstable time. a time where people crowded me for attention i didn't want, where i wanted only to create and create and drink through the pain of figuring myself out hoping i'd wake up one day metamorphosed like a bug. fair. but a lot of wasted time. so i can see why i dont like feeling as if i'm sliding back into that survival mindset. even though a survival mindset is what it is.
also back in those lj entries i realized that going viral back then meant you got ...like. 20 interactions or so. and it DID feel OVERWHELMING to get!! because it wouldnt be 20 people you knew!!! some of them might be really mean!! i dont think the numbers games of platforms like the (now embracing AI) bsky or twitter or fb like to play are good for us.
its also i think why i prefer the fediverse. the numerics are about the same, and the sensation of them is the same. and theres really not an advertiser leaning over your shoulder asking for a 9-20% cut
whats also funny to me is that for entries in a journal over 20 years old, some friends are still around. we all trans as hell now lmfao and busy, and tired, and sickly, and poor. but ride or die, babes. womb to tomb, birth to earth.
-so-
i'm just touching up demon sushi before i leave, is what i keep telling myself. just giving it a little facelift before i go. just a little touching up for webrings and the graphics and maybe a little hub for OCs and oh i absolutely must add a No AI disclaimer, and some fun new 88x31 buttons... absurd that furcadia hasnt got one tho let me tell you
renjamin just got her arthritis shot, but is down about half a lb. shes usually around 6, 6.5 lbs and i really worry my prolonged absence will get her sick. it's been decades since we've been apart more than a few days!!!!! luna seems fine, bossy about the return of spring and excited for bird watching and being fed blades of wheat grass. audrey is still a pisspot...tho has fewer accidents if we follow her rules of tidiniess. and as long as i make sure to spend a couple hours reading at her side.
i'm still reading through the cat series by joan d. vinge - just about to pick up dreamfall. catspaw has been super integral to my trashy sad mind in this trying time so i packed it in my luggage. the bag is heavy, and i'm no longer young. my elbow hurts and needs an ace banadage.
but i did swear i'd write ms. vinge a fanletter, now i know i have a line of communication. she's also aging, and i feel its a crime i didnt meet her work before now. and if i waste any more time, i may miss my chance... RIP comic artist and major inspiration Sam Kieth.
well. what ive been round and round and forgot to say is - i wont have a PC in alabama this time. for the first time ever, i think. i have a keyboard, i have my ipad for drawing, and i have a phone. i haven't got a running laptop anymore, having salvaged parts out of em to sell and reuse for many years now. so i won't have access to a lot of things i use to ..make stuff. but i can draw, and i can type.
i think i should still have access to dreamwidth and other websites though - i dont THINK alabama has implimented any laws that shutter out smaller social networks and gallery sites. yet. hahahaha haaaaaa fuk
know what else i noticed? though i used to write a lot of journal entries - sometimes even 3 in a day! - they were usually short. nowhere near as long as i'm going here. i guess that's also age. you sit with your thoughts for a while longer before you get the opportunity to spread them all out and pick through them. take your sweet time, because aint anybody offering you more of it.
i sure do wish i coulda found that silly story about clams, though.
love ya dear reader
hang in there.
